Watching my heart shatter
over and over
watching the remaining shreds
wave forgotten in the wind;
Dying millions of deaths
every passing moment
wondering what normal life ever felt like…
I’ve never experienced it,
torn apart,
I’ve become dust, ashes;
scattered across realms and planes untraveled.
No longer solid,
never again whole…
Like an edifice destroyed,
I’ll rebuild –
but the new structure
won’t have the same soul,
only the same bones
and a vague awareness of
what once was.
Stretched, bruised, scarred
waiting to heal.
Not quite reaching that finish line;
The hurdles get higher
the obstacles get more dangerous.
I’m bloodied, broken
always dragged back
to hurt places.
Longing for safe space,
sanctuary –
But when I go inside,
the usual shadows I encounter have amorphed into
scary things; like the monsters
underneath the bed of my childhood…
The skeletons in the closet talk now
with dislocated jawbones, empty eyesockets
that still somehow look through me,
judging me, taunting me –
these are not my friends.
Where am I safe anymore?
The answer is also the question –
I’m…not…?
I am not okay.
I am not myself anymore, whoever that was,
desperately clutching the shrouded core memories
of who I am, was, will be,
hoping I can find the scattered pieces of my life
and reassemble them
into something that makes sense.
But every time I try
despair rips into me, through me,
like razor wire.
The blood
makes my fingers slippery –
I’ve almost lost my grip and my consciousness
multiple times,
but still I hang on.
Maybe some part of me
I’ve yet to discover
still believes I have a chance at
finding myself
in the caves beneath the surface of
demeanor and ego.
Kayfucius 