Kayfucius

A collective of thoughts, poetry, writing works, blurbs, and other randomosity

Watching my heart shatter

over and over

watching the remaining shreds

wave forgotten in the wind;

Dying millions of deaths

every passing moment

wondering what normal life ever felt like…

I’ve never experienced it,

torn apart,

I’ve become dust, ashes;

scattered across realms and planes untraveled.

No longer solid,

never again whole…

Like an edifice destroyed,

I’ll rebuild –

but the new structure

won’t have the same soul,

only the same bones

and a vague awareness of

what once was.

Stretched, bruised, scarred

waiting to heal.

Not quite reaching that finish line;

The hurdles get higher

the obstacles get more dangerous.

I’m bloodied, broken

always dragged back

to hurt places.

Longing for safe space,

sanctuary –

But when I go inside,

the usual shadows I encounter have amorphed into

scary things; like the monsters

underneath the bed of my childhood…

The skeletons in the closet talk now

with dislocated jawbones, empty eyesockets

that still somehow look through me,

judging me, taunting me –

these are not my friends.

Where am I safe anymore?

The answer is also the question –

I’m…not…?

I am not okay.

I am not myself anymore, whoever that was,

desperately clutching the shrouded core memories

of who I am, was, will be,

hoping I can find the scattered pieces of my life

and reassemble them

into something that makes sense.

But every time I try

despair rips into me, through me,

like razor wire.

The blood

makes my fingers slippery –

I’ve almost lost my grip and my consciousness

multiple times,

but still I hang on.

Maybe some part of me

I’ve yet to discover

still believes I have a chance at

finding myself

in the caves beneath the surface of

demeanor and ego.

 

060121

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