I think I’m ready now
to face down my shadows;
The ones that burrow deep
and that I attempt to run and hide from
even in my sleep.
I’m not afraid of what they’ll reveal,
not even fearful of what they’ll make me feel.
I don’t worry about how they’ve marred my soul –
I determined long ago
I’ve never really been completely whole.
That can change,
admitting this even now feels incredibly strange.
I moreso fear they’ll tell me
what I’m sure I mostly always knew,
that I self-sabotage; spiritually self-harm,
to avoid success and its extolling due;
That I also abhor failure, too…
Though I learn(ed) from my many mistakes,
I most often fear never quite having “what it takes.”
They’re gonna expose my flaws and faults
in their rawest form,
they’ll shatter my guards
and I have to look into my own eyes
the(se) tempests of my soulstorms –
admit to all the lies
I told me –
Admit that even though I so clearly see
my own pain and sorrow,
my tidsoptimistic nature
said I could deal with it all tomorrow.
Though that “tomorrow” never came,
I’ve been delaying my own destiny
to save face; to hide shame; to not fight; to own blame.
My shadows are all the pieces of me that never got the chance
that were gradually dulled and covered over with the scabs
Lackluster shells of former selves
discarded and left to rot
on dusty, forgotten shelves.
I know they question me, my ego –
ask why it was so easy for us to so quickly
let them go
so far away, and so further deep –
to fester and grow;
My only answers as of now
are tears, and…
Well, I honestly don’t know.
But fear can no longer reside here
and must be released,
to once and for all answer to me
the key to unlocking my own peace –
The ultimate goal I wish to exceed.
Yeah, I’m ready now…
Maybe, all this time,
I just never knew or acknowledged how
strong I’ve always been;
And just maybe,
multihandedly denying my own strength
has been my greatest sin.