Posted in life, Poetry, Self-discovery and growth

Shadows

I think I’m ready now
to face down my shadows;
The ones that burrow deep
and that I attempt to run and hide from
even in my sleep.

I’m not afraid of what they’ll reveal,
not even fearful of what they’ll make me feel.
I don’t  worry about how they’ve marred my soul –
I determined long ago
I’ve never really been completely whole.

But;
That can change,
admitting this even now feels incredibly strange.

I moreso fear they’ll tell me
what I’m sure I mostly always knew,
that I self-sabotage; spiritually self-harm,
to avoid success and its extolling due;
That I also abhor failure, too…
Though I learn(ed) from my many mistakes,
I most often fear never quite having “what it takes.”

They’re gonna expose my flaws and faults
in their rawest form,
they’ll shatter my guards
and I have to look into my own eyes
the(se) tempests of my soulstorms –
admit to all the lies
I told me –

Admit that even though I so clearly see
my own pain and sorrow,
my tidsoptimistic nature
said I could deal with it all tomorrow.
Though that “tomorrow” never came,
I’ve been delaying my own destiny
to save face; to hide shame; to not fight; to own blame.

My shadows are all the pieces of me that  never got the chance
to shine,
that were gradually dulled and covered over with the scabs
of time.
Lackluster shells of former selves
discarded and left to rot
on dusty, forgotten shelves.

I know they question me, my ego –
ask why it was so easy for us to so quickly
let them go
so far away, and so further deep –
to fester and grow;

My only answers as of now
are tears, and…
Well, I honestly don’t know.

But fear can no longer reside here
and must be released,
to once and for all answer to me
the key to unlocking my own peace –
The ultimate goal I wish to exceed.

Yeah, I’m ready now…

Maybe, all this time,
I just never knew or acknowledged how
strong I’ve always been;

And just maybe,
multihandedly denying my own strength
has been my greatest sin.

 

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Posted in New Work, Poetry, Random, Self-discovery and growth, Thoughts and Ruminations, Uncategorized

Too…

I fear
I’ve messed this all up –
This life thing,
It doesn’t feel like I’m doing it
quite right.

I’m always just…
Too
every bit of the wrong things,
too intense, too awkward;
too passionate, too aggressive.
Too full of words,
too not enough.

I don’t know how to fix it,
make it better…
is it only my own responsibility?
“Different” can be a lonely life…

It only hurts
when I think about it
too much.

Instead of thinking too hard, I just let my wonder

wander.

It’s only easier
because I’ve always had trouble believing
my thoughts
could cause me pain.

Posted in New Work, Poetry, Self-discovery and growth, Thoughts and Ruminations

[Ain’t I] Just a Woman?

And ain’t I just a woman?
Not stereotype, not stigma –
without suppressed energy
and abandoned passions,
just woman?

Ain’t I just…
Her, one who has no qualms,
no regrets,
just free
to be exactly who I am,
unequivocally?

Should I not align
with other stars of my ilk,
and should I not seek
all I wish to find?
Were it not for another [woman],
I wouldn’t have or be
a mother.

And damned if I seem selfish
for wanting my own piece of me…
What imminent danger is it
to own the peace of my mind,
to be happy to just be?

And just what if I embody
more?
More than just a carrier
of burdens, of knowledge,
of pain and pride,
wisdom and experience…?

What happens when I’m more than just?

As in, more than just
the transmitter
of secrets and signals
alike?

If assumption didn’t usurp
disagreement,
and love is more than
legacy’s afterbirth;
Then…

Ain’t I just a woman?

 

18 September 2019